Forever attempting to find the answers to life’s puzzling questions
The answers to questions that I feel should have an answer regarding the universe
The answers to questions that I feel should have an answer regarding my own life
Who am I really? Does anyone really know themselves? Have I always known myself? Is myself a self that I never really knew and is all of this information that has come to light over this past year come to light in order to help direct me in finding myself and my place in this universe or, rather, was it a ploy to encourage me to question key parts of myself that needn’t be questioned in the first place?
I always had felt that I was in control of my own life, in control of my own destiny
However, recent events have caused me to wonder if there is much more that is far beyond my control. If this much more which is beyond my control has been the driving force that has pulled me in different directions throughout the course of my life for a purpose and, in addition, if that purpose has been one that was right and necessary or, rather, if that purpose has been one that could have gone without existing, causing life to be much better for me given it’s non-existence.
Feeling out of control of one’s life is the worst feeling known to man and this lack of control I have felt as of late has caused me great inner turmoil and has caused living to become something that is rather annoying because, instead of going about my days as I am the one in control and I am the one making my own choices, I now feel as if perhaps much of my life has been some eclectic combination of the pieces of everyone I have ever known and I now wonder if I am in need of questioning and determining which pieces of the people I’ve known are worth holding on to and which pieces are worth discarding or if this is unnecessary.
I know that most of us have probably all felt similarly at one point or another; deciding which parts of our personalities really work for us and which pieces we truly like while, simultaneously, determining those pieces which don’t quite ring true for our genuine selves
Is this process of self discovery and persistent questioning of my self and the higher universe a necessary process for me at this pivotal stage of my life, or is it one that I can ignore for the time being while going on living my life the way that I always have?
I have always lived as if my being was my own and my choices were my own and this insistent questioning of who I truly am and if the choices I make are really made by me as opposed to being made by energies and ulterior forces beyond my control is truly taking a daily toll on my mind and my body and so it is much easier and much more comforting for me to accept the person that I am and have become after years of diverse and various experiences than it is to continue on this path of forever questioning myself and questioning those forces that I now know to be beyond my control but that I constantly wonder if I have more control over them than I had previously imagined.
Do I continue living how I always lived, even in light of this past year’s events, or do I attempt to discover how I can control those forces and events that I have always felt were beyond my control but now believe to be possibly within my grasp? Can anyone ever control those forces?
I guess the answer lies in how confident I am in my own abilities and how confident I am in the statement that I do have control over things that many people do not
Do I actually have this power? If so, is it necessary to discover it and learn how to use it to my advantage?
At this point, I am still at a cross roads re: if I should continue leading the life I’ve always lived and have always known or if, rather, I should explore an undiscovered avenue in my life which could potentially hold key resources for me and could potentially greatly assist me now and in the future.
How much do I truly believe in this? How much do I truly believe in myself? How much power can one individual really have when combating forces beyond anyone else’s control? How worth it is it to me to attempt to figure out how to control universal events that I had always assumed to be due to karma or other unseeable energies beyond anyone’s control?
Sounds silly to me yet, at the same time, the mysterious and unexplored has always been my forte.
And, in addition, the events of this past year have opened my eyes to many pieces of this unexplored path and have made me question if I really can do things that I never thought were humanly possible.
To live the way I always have lived or to explore uncharted territory?
Can’t make a decision to save my life, and for obvious reasons I feel
Ah, alas. Only the future shall tell I suppose
Hi astara,
I know you and I don’t know each other much, but I felt like I could answer some of your questions or at least help alleviate some concerns… Since I have also gone through many struggles after moving to the city. You did a good thing asking for help, there is no shame in that, and that’s something that I didn’t learn until much later.
I’d say you’re at a turning point in your life, and it should be embraced and welcomed. Life is a trip.. a journey.. you start as a fool and struggle your way through wisdom. The beauty, in your situation, is that life is not something you can control. Something is trying to tell you that plans don’t always work, and shit happens. You may see this as unwanted but you are on a path.. and true freedom is to not know where you’re heading. Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine. You’re smart enough to have organized yourself to have moved here on your own, and you planned ahead by applying to different jobs and that’s all you can really do.. I’m assuming here that you had other career plans.
I didn’t think I was going to spend so much time in the same place, but I took other measures to work towards what I’m passionate about and what i needed to do to get to where I wanted to be. Little by little, I get closer to where my passion lies everyday.. I struggled hard last year.. no money to eat or pay rent, just ended an abusive relationship.. and stuck at radioshack.. I was in a bad place and almost ended up in the street.
I always considered myself in control, just like how you are feeling. I had everything planned out when i moved to the city with savings and goals. I soon realized that living on your own is not an easy task, especially in such a big and competitive city.. certain things came up, and I was living with someone who needed a lot of attention, so that distracted me a lot. There are so many distractions, it’s hard to focus on yourself. After 2 years I finally decided not to regret what I should have done or how other people are more fortunate, I had to take action for myself and ask, what’s important to me? what is something that I can do right now? and I took it from there. Remember, the ONLY thing you have control over, is your body. that’s it. Everything else is affected by your environment.
It doesnt end either, Im still discovering new things and learning from experience.. and that’s the most important, what did you learn?
tomas
Tomas,
Thank you sooo much for your response. Really, really thoughtful anddd thought provoking; really appreciate it
I have definitely felt a loss of all control over my own life this past year and I also have gone through extremely similar experiences to the ones that you had mentioned (next to no money, ending a relationship which suffocated me/verbally abusive, moving across the country due to other fucked up shit that was so far beyond my control and having next to NO support from those that I thought I could depend on, etc) but now, finally, I am starting to feel in control of my life and my future again.
I feel as if, now, I am being given the option to make my own choices and have learned that, regardless of all of my self doubt, I really do have the tools and resources needed to get to where I want to be if I just take it day by day, step by step, and ,as you said, work little by little to get to my end goal.
“Shit happens” is surely a lesson that I have learned over this past year and I am really sorry to hear that you have struggled with these same sentiments/feelings and have struggled with similar environmental/situational circumstances, as well.
Getting through life can be fucking rough, man. Especially when comparing yourself against your friends/peers/just other random people that you’re like “wait..but why are YOU deserving of all of this shit and I am not?? I feel like I’m such a better person than you are and I feel like I have worked just as hard, if not harder, yet you are the one with what you want and I am the one stuck in this place that I feel has no escape more days than not”
you know what I’m saying??
Ah, anyway. Thank you much again for your response and still would really love to chat with you in person sometime over coffee or something.
Know that you’re probably extremely busy but let me know if you ever have some free time
Here’s to hoping that things start to get better in my life and in yours<3